The Breakup

I did not release my beloved obsession for alcohol; instead, the craze released me. I held on so tightly that I finally suffocated it away. I never let go of anything that brings me anxiety. I was loyal until the very end. That sadist thing seduced me so hard my head was spinning in utter gratification.

Alcohol had to dump me for me to free myself from the chains of addiction. It’s true. Alcohol dumped me! But I’ve always been dumped by the same people who dedicated loads of time and energy in pursuing me and winning me over. It was no different for alcohol.

It was during our last reunion at a Cat Power concert, a few months back (after 13 months of trying to live sober), that I finally realized alcohol had officially dumped me. It did not deliver on any of its promises. The warm cozy feeling that comes rushing in after the first glass of red? Nope! The sweet melting of worry? Nope! The belief that I am okay and connected to the world? Nada!

Fuck you, alcohol! I did not want you anyways!

I was left nauseated with a belly full of alcohol and a mind full of A.A. slogans.

Soon after my last relapse, the obsession lifted. It just let go of me. I did not realize it was happening, so I had no reason to believe I needed to cling on to it. When I finally realized it was gone, it was too late to attempt a rekindling.

I can not point to the moment it happened. I have heard other alcoholics share that they remember the exact day and time their obsession lifted. Often being referred to as a “God moment.” There was no God moment for me. I just realized, one day, that it was gone. It was not a magical experience. When I did finally acknowledge it was gone, I did not feel relief. I felt deflated, like a bride dressed in white left at the altar by her fiancée.

I do often crave a quick fix to my shitty feelings. But now, I honestly prefer to hop on my peloton, read a damn good memoir, numb out to Netflix or meditate. Yes! Meditate?! Who the fuck am I that I prefer to meditate over a glass of red wine?

Breaking up with alcohol was not easy. It is heartbreaking. I am still coping with the layers of grief. With the romance behind me, I can, however, move on.

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