Updated: Feb 9, 2020
Drinking destroyed my good sense of reality. I was living in a reality that is obsessed with emotion. I have realized after 14 months of trying to live sober that alcohol offered me a reality that is cruel and utterly destructive.
An excellent example of this is my last relapse. I was at a Cat Power concert and created a reality of romantic drinking. I knew I was relapsing, but in my head, I was in the romantic pain of emotion, drinking my sorrows away with red wine. How romantic of me to be listening to the lyrics of Cat Power live while drinking wine. What a sweet reality. Wrong!
In reality, I was a poor alcoholic woman, desperate to stop drinking, but still unable to. Alcohol creates a false sense of fantasy. It looks for meaning in everything to destroy anything that is good.
The obsession is finally lifting. I am still holding on to it as if it’s an old friend that I am scared of losing. It makes sense because without booze, who the fuck am I? I have been so frightened by the thought of self-exploration without wine. I now know that I am not dull. What a relief! I also know that I can have fun without booze — another relief. The greatest relief of all is knowing that I can be influenced by reason and logic, not solely by emotion. Phew.
I am discovering that living sober means living in reality. I like this. Reality is not always as exciting as living in a romantic world created in my head. However, this romantic fantasy is a lonely place to be. It’s dark and clouded by the obsession of self. No, thank you.
I am discovering that the obsession around booze is an addiction for more pain, anxiety and emotion. This is no way to thrive.
Living sober is thriving in the reality of life. Here is where I want to hang out.